Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Kind of scared, and hope I’m over-reacting.

But man, this birth control has my body backwards.
My breasts are huge, and have been sore for weeks…and I just feel, so…off.

I’m scared to take a pregnancy test.

Just me.

I have thoroughly freaked out my coworker Joque tonight with my ‘Brittany’ antics.
It’s my first night working with him; he just laughed at one of my random highly inappropriate jokes and said,
“Brittany,” giggles, “your amazing! Your like a man but in a womanly way! You’ve fallen off your stool ten times, burped, all you do is sing, your mouth is worse then any sailor, you make the customers almost uncomfortable with your constant stare and smile, you dance when you walk, you’ve tripped on everything, all you’ve eaten is chips, you laugh more than you talk, those eyes and everything about you! You should be a model, and everybody around you makes an excuse to get to know you because nobody gets you. It’s mesmerizing!”

Started crying at work…

A text from Megan:
Promise. Because when you, not the you that can be applied to just anyone, but Brittany Anne Ziegler is happy, you and everyone close to the world gets happy, pure joy. Your contagious happiness and confidence is the climb mountains, sing loudly in supermarkets, say hello with a grin to any stranger that makes eye contact kinda happy. When you become happy, that’s how I, and anyone else who loves you, feels when they are even near you. Your happiness feeds other people. And you feed off of their happiness and it becomes this cycle. But things can’t be that pure and perfect all the time, it isn’t fair to the majority of people that don’t possess that contagious walk-into-the-room-and-it-seems-sunnier quality that you do. But trust me, something I’ve learned about you is after a low point, the happiness and sunshine that follows is so spectacular and amazing-and you ALWAYS get back to that point again. And it is 100% the truth. I’m smiling, and filling with that happy warmth when I think about your capacity to do all those things I just said. I’m not too worried about what happens, because I no that no matter what happens you will never ever lose your gift, it’s who you are-it’s your gift both to yourself and people who get to be around you. And even if you think you are, you are NOT broken, that kind of gift and internal happiness could never be broken. I can listen to you rant, break down, cry (even though it breaks my heart) for as long as I need; because you more than make up for your stressful days when you have those happy days. I can confidently say those days are the highlight of my life so far :)

Something very not good is happening.

And I wish more than anything that I can stop it; more so to get rid of these shaky anxiety attacks, and the sympathy I keep getting from my friends and family.
I’m getting desperate, in searching for moments in a day that make me happy.
These past few days I’ve been a pitiful walking mess. And it’s awful, because my baby sister is with me; and I’m such a mistake right now.

My world is crumbling, and I’m not sure if it really is? Or if I’m being unreasonable.

I had to switch jobs AGAIN. I’m stressed and tired of moving from place to place trying to find my perfect nitch. I’m tired of meeting new people, making new friends, orientation, training and new things. I miss my stability and confidence in my work abilities.

Lance and I are all over the fucking place. He’s trying so fucking hard and I’ve just pushed him so far away from me…he’s struggling to get back to me; while I stand and stare.

We are fucking broke. From Megan’s plane ticket and these new jobs and all our bills…these next two weeks we’re scrambling for change.
And Lance says it’ll be ok, it’ll be alright…but this sucks. It’s ridiculous that we both work so hard, and we can’t live the life we want to live. This has never happened to me before. I’ve never in my life been this fucking poor. I know, I know…it’s only a couple of weeks…but again, I’ve never been in this spot.

We’re losing our best friend to Australia.

And court is next month and although lance and I didn’t do anything wrong; we are fucked.

I haven’t slept in weeks. I can’t eat unless I’m drunk.

And…and…I’m just freaking out.

It took everything in me today not to just break down in front of Megan and Sam. Resisting every urge to kick and scream and bawl my eyes out. I sat in the car shaking today.
My mind is racing. My breath is short.

I just want everything to be okay; and I’m sure we’ll get there.

But this is a pretty big fight; and I’m losing faith in myself.

I’m sorry Sam, Megan…Lance…

I’m just broken; help me.